Behind The Moon
“Music helps us escape from the reality we live in… If I didn’t have music in my life… I know I wouldn’t be here… “Music is not what I do… It’s who I am…
Since you’re here I take it you want to know something about me… or who I am… But… let me tell you… this page is quite a task to write… In fact I’ve been going back and forth with it for months… deciding what to say and what not to say… and not to mention the fact that I have not had an easy life… especially when I was at the “top” of my career…
I have been through a lot more than most people would have to go through in one lifetime… My body and mind have been broken and bent… I have loved and I have lost… and I have fought battles of life and death with my own mind…
Through all of it music has always come to the rescue… It has been my pain medicine… my protector… my friend and healer… It has taken me away from the darkest… most frighting times in my life… Music is my light Music helps us escape from the reality we live in… If I didn’t have music in my life… I know I wouldn’t be here…
Every Moment You Get is a Gift
I cannot deny that I have dealt with a lot in my lifetime and when everything is put together it is more than most people ever have…
Tortured physically and emotionally by my mother from as far back as I can remember until the day she died… sexually abused by her from the age of 13 and by a teacher repeatedly starting at the age of nine… The loss of my children… substance abuse… mental and physical illnesses… bad choices… some of them life altering… some that I will have to live with for the rest of my life…
I know however that I am not alone …and through it I’ve learned that I am indeed a lot braver than I believed, stronger than I seemed and smarter than I thought.
Life has taught me that no matter what… that in every situation you always have a choice… you can chose to let ‘it’ destroy you …or you can let it make you stronger… You and only you… have the choice to either listen to your inner voices of destruction … the ones that tell you to feel guilt, regret or sadness… the ones that take away your ability to feel nothing but misery… or you can chose to take that experience, learn from it… and move on… teach you to turn each future moment into something to be grateful about…
I know it’s easier to say it than to do it… a lot easier… working on one’s own mind is a hard work… and the best choices are never easy… that’s my experience at least…
For years I was stuck at making choices that were easy… For the first 40 years of my life at least I believed I didn’t have a choice but to feel miserable… I know now that this was planted inside of me while growing up… and I still have moments where I need to take everything that I’ve got to drive those thoughts away… but it would be so easy for me… to easy… to let those thoughts consume me and end that struggle right there and then… but… in my heart… I know I am not what happened to me in the past… I am not what I grew up with… I am not what my mother believed I was… I am not my past habits… nor am I my past failures… No matter how chaotic, frightening and painful the past has been I believe my future is safe, clean and fresh…
I accept that I have this illness called schizophrenia… an illness that lives inside my brain… and sometimes takes over my thoughts… and because of it I need medication. I accept there is always a risk of the illness taking over even with the medication… so I also accept the necessity of asking for help when I need it …or even… if I don’t think I need it… as that is often how it seems to me at the time… I am not afraid to ask for help… or to talk about what and/or how I’m feeling…
In the past I have carried guilt… shadows from my past… demons that were planted in my brain… making me believe that I could never be happy… That I could never be free of pain or be ‘normal’… For years I could not allow myself to genuinely feel I had the right to smile… or to love… without guilt or without fear… I did have moments where I felt I deserved something better… but out of fear I believed I couldn’t allow myself to make them last…
I felt as I couldn’t move on… I was convinced that if I had done “this” and “that” and if I hadn’t done “this” or “that” … If only I had told my wife… The would have, should have … It’s so easy to go down that road… it’s too easy… and that’s why we go there… and we truly believe it was our fault…
Struggling with problems is a natural part of growing… and it is really OK to fall apart for a little while… I know I don’t always have to pretend to be strong… I know there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well… as long as someone besides me knows how I feel. For me… I’ve learned that my silence can be life threatening… Wouldn’t you rather risk looking like an idiot than trying to be brave and ending up hurt or worse?
Life is fragile… It is sudden… and it is shorter than it often seems… I have seen it way too many times… I accept the fact that I can not physically hug all my children… but as long as I have them in my heart… and in my memory… they are with me… Life shouldn’t be taken for granted… There may not be a tomorrow… not for everyone. Right now, someone on Earth is planning something for tomorrow without realizing they’re going to die today. This is sad but true… and therefore I try to spend my time wisely and pause long enough to appreciate each day… each moment I have…
Embrace your loved ones… tell them you love them every chance you get… Learn to love yourself… because if you don’t… it holds you back from truly loving another person… and always remember… every moment you get is a gift…
Contact Gabriel
Letters From The Moon
If you want to know more… I have another website… It’s just a collection of random incoherent writings… about life as I know it…